The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
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He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
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omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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