I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
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I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
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I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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