i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think weed is turning my hair brown
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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