I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
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Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
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There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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