I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
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He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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