im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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