i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
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its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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