you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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