I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
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You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
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He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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