you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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