it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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