Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
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theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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