No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
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I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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