And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
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I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
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A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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