I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
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we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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