Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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