i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
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Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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