I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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