Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
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Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
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I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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