my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
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Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
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Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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