I think i sorta joined a cult last night
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
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I booty called her while she was in labor.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
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I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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