so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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