Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize