just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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