tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
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He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
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Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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