I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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