How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
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She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
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You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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