your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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