I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize