twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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