There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
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You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
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I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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