not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
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I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
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I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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