all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
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How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
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Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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