Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
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Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
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She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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