There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
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let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
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I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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