My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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