I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
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Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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