they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
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The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
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He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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