My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
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Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
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You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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