I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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