So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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