remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
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I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
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99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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