I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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