I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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