Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
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I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
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Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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