just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
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LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
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I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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