i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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