Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
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You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
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He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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