Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
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We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
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Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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