The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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